Spaces

What a time to forget all my sensibilities

Let the heart speak it's mind
Let it get the best of me
Even with the coldest shoulder I'll find a way to keep you warm
Find a bottom of a bottle while holding my tongue
But just for peace of mind
Love me even if it is to fill the spaces
Love me, even if I know it's just to feel alive for awhile then you're gone
Just to fill the spaces in his arms

- Spaces, Martti Franca  

It's been a while since the last time I wrote about these things. There's one thing I have realized today. Handa na akong sumulat ulit patungkol sa ganitong mga bagay. Handa na akong magpadala sa mga emosyong matagal-tagal ko na rin pinagbawalan na patuluyin sa isip ko. Handa na ako magmahal ulit. I don't know why, that even if I am still shattered in pieces because of my past and I am still struggling in my present, Hindi ko magawang pigilan yung sarili kong magmahal. I feel like I always have this so much love inside me that I always want to share to someone. 

I have a lot of space - a space for someone who wanted to treat me as his home. Handa na akong magpatuloy. Lagi't palagi. Corny pero totoo talaga siguro, love will indeed make you feel alive. Kahit malabo kung ano mang estado nating dalawa, pipiliin ko ang magmahal. Pipiliin kong mahalin ka. Alak at sigarilyo marahil ang turing ko sa ganoong uri ng relasyon. Malabo. Hindi sigurado. Baka mapasama. Panandalian lang. Pero napapaisip ako kung bakit sa pelikula, maging sa mga kanta, laging may halong romantisismo ang pag-inom ng alak at paghithit ng sigarilyo? May kagandahan sa mga bisyong ito. Ewan ko. Baka sumisimbolo lang talaga ang mga ito sa mga emosyong bumubuo sa atin o di kaya'y emosyon na hindi natin maipaliwanag gamit ang mga salita. Pwede rin namang mga salita na hindi natin maamin. Kaya naman alak at sigarilyo nalang ang nagiging takbuhan. 

Baka ganoon din tayong dalawa. May dahilan ka kung bakit hindi ka pa handa o ayaw mo pa. May dahilan kung bakit hindi mo pinipiling sumugal at manatili ka nalang sa lugar kung saan walang sisihan pagdating sa dulo. Marahil dinidikta ito ng iyong nakaraan o di kaya'y kasalukuyan. Ganoon din naman ako. May dahilan kung bakit gusto kong sumugal, kung bakit gusto kong ibuhos ang lahat kahit na hindi pa malalim kung ano mang nagdurugtong sa ating dalawa, kung bakit gusto kong magmahal nang buo kahit walang kasiguraduhan na maibabalik. At higit sa lahat, pinipii ko pa rin ang magmahal kahit na alam kong naiiba ako sa lahat. Naiiba ako dahil may mga pagkakataong mawawala ako sa sarili ko at kapag dumating ang mga araw na iyon, alam kong mapapaisip ka kung bibitaw ka na, magpapahinga ka o mananatili ka pa. 

Kaya ito tayo, nasa gitna nagtagpo, sa lugar kung saan malaya tayong nagmamahal. Hindi alam kung saan tayo nagsimula at kung saan tayo magtatapos. Basta kapag may tumigil sa ating dalawa na kumausap isnag araw, doon na magtatapos ang lahat. 

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

*This has been sitting on my drafts but still decided to post it. This is a late post, basically.* 

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan itong paskil na to'. But here I am trying to just talk about it while sitting in front of my laptop listening to Taylor Swift songs. 

20 years old na ako ngayon. 5 years. It's been 5 years since that incident happened but it still consumes me. I wish I was brave enough to face the fact that I was weak back then. Sana nagsabi ako sa guidance counselor ng school. Sana pinili kong lumipat ng school or nagpatransfer ng section. I was so young back then and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to bear all the pain for the past years dahil lang sa isang encounter na 'yun. It is painful for me na hanggang ngayon, it still affects me to the core; that I am so afraid of being with people and socializing makes me tired. Socializing is becoming draining. 

Sana, nakausad din ako kagaya nila.

Sana. 

Maganda Ako

Sa unang pagkakataon, tinitigan ko ang mukha ko sa salamin. Pinagmasdan ko lahat hanggang sa aking dibdib. Hubad. Walang kahit anong kolorete. Bakas sa mata ang pagod. Hindi ko matukoy kung may nagtatago bang lungkot sa likod ng malamlam na mga mata. Ang sigurado lang ay ang pagkakulay tsokolate nito. 

Maputi pala ako. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto. Kilay na wari ko'y medyo makapal. Medyo sabog ngunit may korte naman. Noo. Ilong. Pisngi. Labi. Ngipin. Isa-isa kong pinagmasdan. Hanggang sa nakita ko ang mga tigyawat ko. Ang mga pekas at ilan pang mga katangiang hindi perpekto. 

Maganda pala ako sa malapitan pero sa malayo, hindi. Mas nakilala ko kung sino ako. Mas nakita ko kung anong bumubuo sa akin, sa panlabas na aspeto. Sa hugis, sa porma, sa histura. Maganda ako. 

Happy 20th Birthday, self!

Happy 20th Birthday, self! 

Sorry at medyo late ko na ito maipupublish pero, Happy Birthday! Masaya akong nagpapatuloy ka. Masaya akong nandito ka pa rin sa Earth and you get to experience good things in life kahit marami kang triggers at marami kang mental health issues. 

Please don't be marupok na and never ever settle for less. Stick to your values and principles palagi. Matalino ka naman at masipag pero bobo ka sa pag-ibig! HAHAHAHAHA! Alam kong hindi pa rin tayo okay pagdating sa mental health pero, lalaban tayo ha? Pipiliin nating lumaban palagi. 

Masaya ako seeing how you built friends. Grupo B. CSYF. Grabe, naiiyak ako thinking na naggogrow ka, lumalago ka socially. Bumabalik ka na sa dati, yung Jana na goofy, palaging masaya, nakangiti. Sana, tuloy tuloy na. Wala man tayo bebe or jowa or tamang harot lang meron ka kasi maharot ka talagang yawa ka HAHAHAHAHA! Pero, masayang-masaya ako pa'ra sayo. 

Sana, maging doktora kang tuluyan! Palagi mong piliin maging isang mabuting tao. Magpatawad pero wag kakalimutan ang mga lessons na babaunin mo. Ngayong young adult ka na, I hope, aralin mo, the art of not giving a fck ganern! and also, sa pag manage rin ng finances okay? Please. Hindi mo na nga namana ang milionaire mindset ng pamilya, kaya bumawi ka atleast sa pagiging matipid. 

And also please, kilatisin mo muna ha. Wag ka padadala sa salita. Isa ka ring sige advice pero kapag ikaw ang nandoon na, di mo rin naman madiscern kung ano ang totoo. Kung sweet words lang ba or hindi ang sinasabi nila. Marupok! Cheret. Choose to be happy, always. Practice rin na maging grateful ka sa lahat ng bagay okay? Keep that faith and be grateful to the Lord, always! 

Weightlifting Fair Kim Bok Joo: Episode 11

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo is my most favorite Kdrama of all time and no, this isn't an episode preview of Episode 11 of the said drama. Just like I promise, I'll write everything na nararamdaman ko, maybe this is what hopeful means or I don't know. Sa Episode 11 ng Kdrama na to', Kim Bok Joo took a break from weightlifting for a week because she feels depressed. The first thing she does after finding a part time job is to write the things she want to do. In short, a bucket list while she's taking a break for a week from weightlifting. 

And maybe, just like Bok Joo, I just need to take a break too and make a list of things I want to do. This list will not be the same as Bok Joo though. 

Para sa taong darating, pagalawin mo ang baso, Charot. Hahahahaha! 

To whoever na darating, this one is for you. 

I will never lower my standards again. I will set standards and hold unto that and will clearly go through process not because it is conventional but because I know my worth and I know what I deserve. 

And before I will allow you in my life, you should be able to do these things first: 

20 Things Before I Say Yes 

1. Know me better for atleast half a year or better, a year. 

2. Have a talk within the walls. 

3. Night walks within the walls. 

4. Luneta Park 

5. Manila Cathedral

6. Baywalk 

7. Attend a gig or concert with me. 

8. Liwasang Bonifacio with me.

9. Study with me. 

10. Get to know my family.

11. Go outside the metro with me (except Antipolo! ex. a trip to Laguna, Tanay, Pampanga, Tagaytay) 

12. Watch a movie with me. 

13. Give me a bouquet of flowers and a handwritten letter. 

14. Ferris Wheel Ride 

15. Jabee with me. 

16. Get a chance to know your family. 

17. Receive a random gift from you.

18. Have a talk about your dreams and  future plans with me. 

19. Coffee Shop Date 

20. Listen to an OPM song together. 

Do these things and I'm yours :> Cheret. 

Susubukang Muli

Susubukan kong muli na magsulat ng nararamdaman kahit sa maliliit na bagay; simpleng saya, kilig, lungkot, kaba. Lahat ay susubukan muling isulat. Lahat ng kung ano mang bubuo sa pagkatao ko, lahat ng nawawalang piraso ng sarili ko at lahat ng mga alaala kasama ang bawat taong nakilala ko; panandalian man o pangmatagalan, lahat ay susubukang itala. 

Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 004

It's been days since I feel on edge. I'm back at it again. Listening to the song that gives me comfort. Songs that express what I feel and think. When I was in high school and I have symptoms of depression, it was Simple Plan's Welcome to My Life. Now, it's Linkin Park's One More Light. I miss Chester. Just like me, he had depression. 2 years ago, he committed suicide. Years before he did it, he wrote songs about how he feels; of how he has been suffering and his words gives light to many. He saved a lot of people because of the songs he wrote. I don't know why I am into this kind of song again. The last time I find comfort on this was during Junior High School.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do
- One More Light, Linkin Park 


I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

- Heavy, Linkin Park 

I've been playing One More Light again and again since yesterday. The song makes me wonder, "Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?" I am just one star out of the million. If I'll be gone, I don't think I cost too much to the remaining stars but Chester said in his song that he does. He cares that's why he wrote the song. 

Before, what stops me from ending myself was because as a christian, I owe my life to God and I don't have the rights to take it back to him whenever I want to. There was this time when I was in a Chinese Garden somewhere in Manila, I rant into a pastor and he asked me stuff about accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and my savior. There's one thing that he said that I still remember. Those who believe in the Lord, even if they committed suicide, they will still be in heaven. I just hope that I will not look at this thought that it's okay for me to end my life just because I'll go to heaven because I know that God has still a purpose to me. 

Yesterday night, I had an anxiety attack again. All the struggles and painful memories from the past kept on coming to my mind and I had to cover my ears trying to shut down the voice of painful memories. I can hardly breathe and my chest is in pain. I feel like my heart is about to burst and cried so hard. I feel asleep at 6:30 AM. It was hard and up until now I am still on edge. I am still unstable. My eating habit changed today. I drank milk tea, eat chocolates, take out food, etc and I don't know if I will be able to sleep later. I don't know if I'll be having an anxiety attack again. It's been weeks also since the idea of self-harm hit on me and up until now, it does. I don't know if later at night, I'll give myself scrapes and scratches again. I hope, I don't. 

Random Thoughts: Entry 009

Tatlong taon. 

Tatlong taon akong hindi nakapagsulat para sa blog entry na ito. Makakagawa ba ako uli ng tula? Hindi ko alam. Junior High School pa ako noon. 2nd year college na ako ngayon. Matagal-tagal na rin nang huli akong makagawa ng tula. Yung tipo ng tula na sinulat alinsunod sa nararamdaman. Madalas kasi ay nagsusulat bilang takdang aralin. 

Kung tutuusin, nakakalungkot man pero, ang totoo'y halos inabando ko na ang lahat ng mga bagay na naglalarawan sa akin noon. Kung ako ang tatanungin, kapag sinabing Jana noon, dalawang salita lang iyan. Nagsusulat at nagpipinta. Malayong-malayo kung sino si Jana ngayon: Isang mag-aaral ng siyensiya na nagnanais maging doktor, isang anak na nais makatulong sa pamilya at isang taong marami at malalim ang iniisip dahil kasalukuyang nasa proseso ng paggaling. Ngayong araw ay sinusubukan ko na gawin uli ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko noon, magsulat at magpinta.

Ilang tulog nalang ay bente na ako. Hindi na ako teenager. Ganito ba talaga ang adulting?  Siguro, ito na talaga yung reyalidad ng buhay. Ako yung tipo ng tao noon na halos manghang-mangha sa hiwaga ng salitang pag-ibig, sa mga linyahan ng artista sa pelikula at kanta, sa mga linya ng mga tauhan sa nobela; halos mabaliw sa paghabi ng magagandang mga salita. Ngayon ay ibang-iba na. Namamangha pa rin sa mga hinabing salita pero kaunting oras nalang ang nabibigay para dito. 

Maraming taon na rin ang lumipas. Nasubukan ko na ring umibig at ibigin pabalik. Yung totoong nakarelasyon. Kung sa salitang kanto pa ay 'jumowa'. Kagaya ba siya ng mga nakikita ko sa pelikula? Siguro. Masaya sa umpisa pero gaya ng kahit ano pa mang uri ng relasyon, susubukin at susubukin kayo. Anim na buwan lang ang itinagal ng una kong relasyon. Malayong-malayo sa imahinasyon o sa hiraya na nais ko. Pinangako ko iyon sa sarili ko na kung sino man ang unang lalaking mamahalin ko ay siya na sa huli sapagkat ayaw kong pagurin ang sarili kong magpatalon-talon sa relasyon. Kikilala, papakisamahan at kapag naghiwalay ay kikilala nanaman at susubukang muli. Iniisip ko palang ay nakakapagod na. Ang pangit mang pakinggan pero parang masayang humarot-harot lang ika nga kaysa pumasok sa isang relasyon. 

Simple lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit mahirap pumasok ang kagaya ko sa relasyon at ito ay ang estado ng utak ko - may depresyon. Yung depresyon na hindi nararamdaman mo lang pero depresyon na kinakailangan ng gamutan. Mahirap pero kinakaya. Mahirap pero magpapatuloy. Sabi nila, mahirap kapag hindi ka naiintindihan ng mundo pero parang mas mahirap pala yung hindi ka na naiintindihan ng mundo, hindi mo pa naiintindihan ang sarili mo sa sariling mundong ginawa mo at kailangan mong manatili sa katinuan. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko gagawin yung mapanatili yung sarili ko sa katinuan. Mahirap pigilan ang utak. 

Kahit papaano pala ay nakatutulong ang pagsulat ng entry na to'. Nakakapag-isip ako. Naiisip ko kung kumusta ba talaga ako? Ano ba ang lagay ko? Napapanatili ko yung katinuan ko sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat dito at tulad ng sabi ni dok, ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat ay mapanatili ang katinuan ko sa kabila ng estado ng utak ko. Kailangan kong labanan to'. Sa totoo lang, naisipan kong magsulat dito hindi para kumustahin ang sarili ko. Magsusulat sana ako para sa taong hindi ko naman kilala nang lubos pero hinahangaan ko. Gusto ko rin sana alayan siya ng awitin bagamat sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, huwag daw ako mag-alay ng awitin para sa tao dahil masasaktan lang ako. Hindi nila alam, ilang ulit ko ng ginawa iyon. Palagi ko kasing pinapahalagahan ang mga taong nakikilala ko lalo na kung nagbigay sila sa akin ng mga aral na habangbuhay kong babaunin. 

Gusto ko sana siyang alayan ng isang entry sa blog na ito dahil ngayon nalang ako uli ako nakaramdam nang ganoong pakiramdam - iyon bang sa hindi mo malamang dahilan, noong makausap mo siya, may kung anong pwersa na hinihikayat kang magsulat ng tula at makinig ng isang awitin at sa kaso niya, ang awit ng Munimuni na Bawat Piyesa ang kumakausap sa akin. 

Ang bawat piyesa na bumubuo sa'yo
Bawat piyesang nawa'y mapasaakin
Habang-buhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Habang-buhay
- Bawat Piyesa, Munimuni

 

Noong nakarang taon pa ako huling nakaramdam ng ganoon sa tao. Nakatutuwa dahil magkapangalan pa sila ang pinagkaiba lang, noong nakaraang taon, ang pinaramdam lang sa akin ay sumulat ng tula. Hindi tulad ngayon na pinaramdam sa akin ay hindi lang pagsulat ng tula pero pati  na rin ang pakiramdam na para bang kinakausap ako ng isang awitin. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman niya kung mababasa niya ito. Masasabi niya ba na weirdo ako? Creepy? Hindi ko alam at hindi rin ako sigurado kung dapat ko bang ipabasa sa kanya to' pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa sarili ko ay ipapabasa ko ito sa kanya, hindi man ngayon pero panigurado ay ipapabasa ko ito sa kanya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kapag tumungtong na ako ng bente, hindi na ako gagawa ng nakakahiyang aksyon pagdating sa mga taong hinahangaan ko pero malay mo, may isang buwan pa bago ako magbente. Baka may pahabol pa ang labing-siyam na taong gulang si Jana. 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ito sinusulat pero isa lang ang sigurado ako. Ito yung nararamdaman ko. Walang halong filter. Raw and honest. 

Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 003

I don't know what I'm felling right now. 

I really don't know. It's vague. Am I sad? I don't know. 

It's more like, I don't want to do anything today. 

I don't feel like eating and It's not really me. I don't feel hunger. I didn't even eat rice today. 

I want to take my medications even if the doctors told me to stay off medications for a while. 

Based on my study plan, I have to study at 9:00 PM but my mind doesn't want to. 

My mind tells me to turn my lights off instead and lay in bed and maybe cry for I don't what reasons. 

Yesterday was like this too. I didn't eat that much. 

I am listening to Geiko's Sol at Luna. It's peaceful and calming. 

I feel a bit of hunger now but I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. 

I want to cry. I want to cry myself to sleep tonight. 

My mind tells me to quit YF, like as in now. Quit. 

My mind tells me to self-harm but I know I shouldn't. 

Things are getting difficult again. 

I am talking to strangers, again. 

Yep, that negative coping that my counselor was trying to correct. 

My mind feels like it is floating in thin air. 

The song changed. No, actually I searched for it. Pusakalye's Kulimlim. 

Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 002

July 24, 2020 

I had a panic attack today. I don't know if it's panic attack or anxiety or what. But I had hot flashes, cold feet and my heart was beating so fast. I cried as I put both of my hands on the both side of my head. The thought of self-harm hit me again. I put on a blanket to cover my cold feet and as I see my legs covered tight with blanket, the thought of seeing me dead, like how cadaver is covered with blanket on the legs hit me. I was so scared. The thought of having like a panic attacks if I pursue medicine hit me. What if I'm already a doctor and I had panic attacks when I'm about to see the patient? How can I survive when people really do nothing to me but I was triggered? It's not their fault. The thought of not going to school hit me again while I'm trying to squeeze myself on the corner of the bed. I don't want to attend online class. I am so scared of my classmates. I don't know them. I am so scared. I feel like, I don't want to deal with people anymore. I don't like people. I don't like to talk or to be with them. The thought of having new classmates scares me, even if it's just online. I want to leave our GC. I want to leave CSYF too. I want to be alone because I am so scared that people might judge me. The thought of eating too much hit me too. I want to go to the kitchen and eat bread and all the stuff I would like to eat and I just want to eat and eat. I don't think I can sleep early today. My leg muscles feel like they're vibrating. I don't think I can sleep immediately. No, I don't think I can sleep at all.

There are days when I feel like life is hard and yesterday's one of them. I thought I was doing fine and I am completely healed but I was wrong. The trauma of the past still haunts me and since quarantine, I can't go out and talk to my doctor and asked her about what I feel. I feel like I need counselling again. 

Chinese Dramas to watch!

I've been a fan of korean dramas since 2009 but lately, I tried watching Chinese Dramas. I saw a certain chinese drama entitled "The World Owes Me A First Love" as an advertisment. The clip was great and I watched it until I browsed on the net and look for other chinese dramas and here are the dramas I have watched and enjoyed so far: 

1. A Crazy Little thing Called First Love

This drama was actually an adaption of the Thai Movie Crazy Little Thing Called Love. So far, this is what gave me kilig the most! Hahahaha! It's super light! (Actually, Chinese drama is lighter than Korean drama. They're more simple with the plots and they're more true to life, like the scenes can actually happen on day to day lives.) Though it is an adaptation, It's more like, they made their own story and then got some excerpts from the Thai version. Only few scenes were adapted. The story is about Xiao Miaomiao, a Grade 11 student who just got transferred to her new school and Grade 12 student Lian Young, the smartest student in the campus. The story went a looong way until they reach college! The makeover of Xiao Miaomiao was not drastic but rather realistic. It was a gradual makeover! Hahahaha! Supporting characters were also great. This drama inspired me to do well in studies and to strive hard in achieving my dreams! 

2. A Love so Beautiful 

This one is also light, cute and super fun to watch! It is a very popular drama actually and is based on the novel To Our Pure Little Beauty by Zhao Qianqian. It's about high school classmates and neighbors Chen Xiao Xi and Jiang Chen. Xiao Xi, a cheerful girl who doesn't excel well in academics who has a crush towards Jiang Chen - the typical popular, smart and handsome guy. The story went a looong way too from high school, college and after graduation. Hahaha! Supporting actors were great too specially Wu Bo Song, the second male lead who has a crush with Xiao Xi. 

3. My Girlfriend is an Alien

I love this drama! Hahahaha! It's super hilarious! It's about Chai Xiaoqi, an alien from the "Cape Town Planet". When she arrived on earth, he saved Fang Leng, a CEO of a big company in a car accident. During this time, she lost her signal and decided to stay on earth to look for it. Due to the accident, Fang Leng suffered "rainy weather heterosexual amnesia" which made him forget all the females around him. This is one of the best romantic comedy dramas I have watched so far! 

4. Put Your Head on My Shoulder

This one is light, sweet and funny drama! It tells a story of Situ Mo, an accountancy student who wants to pursue a career on advertising and a genius physics student Gu Weiyi. They met accidentally on the school campus and ended up living together because of their parents. Characters were very charming in this drama. They really portrayed their character well. I love this drama and I learned a lot on this on taking risks and making decisions.  

5. The Love Equations

I watched this drama when it is still on going! Hahahaha! I actually waited for the last four episodes of it! This one is really cute! The main characters were very opposite hahahaha! It's about Zhou Xiao, a literature student who loves detective novels! (I really find it cute cause she loves Detective Conan in this drama and it happened to be one of my favorites too!) Since she really love detective novels, she is really interested with what Forensic majors are doing. There he met Zhao Fanzhou - a dedicated and cold forensic major. They fall in love and experience different struggles together. I love this drama because supporting characters were all main characters' dormmates! Hahahaha! The drama has side stories too with their supporting characters! 

6. Love 020 

This drama was recommended to me by my brother's girlfriend. It's a drama from 2016 but it's unique and great! No wonder my brother's girlfriend recommended it to me. The character's love story started in online game. Hahaha! It's about Bei Weiwei, a smart student and the computer department goddess of their university. She plays an online game, A Chinese Ghost Story with the user ID Luwei Weiwei and was the only woman who was in the top 10 of the best players. In the game, she was dumped by his online-husband Zhenshui Wuxiang, the richest player in the game and an heir of a large technology company in real life and married another woman player. The number one top player with the user ID, Yixiao Naihe, suggested that he and Weiwei should get married in order to win competitions in the game. Little did Weiwei know, Yixiao Naihe was Xiao Nai in real life. Xiao Nai was a senior computer science student in the same university and was famous for being handsome and excellent in sports and academics. When they decided to meet each other in person, the love story between them flourished. 

7. My Girlfriend

If you're fond of watching behind the scenes of TV shows, this one is a great drama. It's simple but fun to watch because also of the supporting characters. This drama is about Ding Xiao Rou, a window design artist and narcoleptic. She believed that no one will ever fall in love with her because she made a lot of confessions but always rejected which she thought that it was because of the pregnant woman who cursed her when she was 15 since she was mistakenly identified as the mistress of the woman's husband. In a car accident, she met the TV producer Chi Xin who happened to be the newly transferred guy just below her apartment. 

8. The World Owes Me A First Love 

This is the first ever Chinese drama I have watched. I didn't expect so much since it's my first time but this didn't disappoint me. It was a great drama about Xing Yun, an independent woman who was the first ever employee of a successful gaming company owned by Xia Ke, son of a wealthy family. Things got complicated when the boyfriend of Xing Yun turned to be the ex-boyfriend of Xia Ke's sister. This eventually brought Xing Yun and Xia Ke closer. I'll never forget the supporting character of this drama. Their love story was funny and unconventional too! Hahahahaha!

Hope you can watch one based on my suggestion. Happy watching! 

Biology Student Tips: How to Study Effectively?

Hi everyone! How's your quarantine so far? It's been months since naglockdown but ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng time to sit and write for this blog. What I am busy with? Mag-aral! Hahahaha! It is so hard to be in the field nang hindi ka naman magaling dito but what's education for, di ba? I have learned that education is not about studying what you master or what you have been doing for so many years but also learning what you haven't learned, focusing on your weaknesses. And yes, for me, it's science! That's why I choose to be a Biology student - a struggling biology student, actually! Hahaha! 

So what's my study habit? Some of my classmates saw na nagmamyday ako about what I'm reading, syempre textbooks binabasa ko though tambak ang novels ko from Manila International Book Fair pa last year huhu. I have no choice though. I need to study para pumasa plus the fact na mataas ako mangarap so aral lang. Hahaha! 

There are so many study hacks and study habits that you can see online but to be honest, not all of it is applicable to everyone. You need to try each of them and see what works for you. So, I'm sharing my study habits because maybe, there are few tips from me that you can also try and see if it will work for you too. 

1. Prepare yourself. Specifically, your mind. 

    

For me, this is a must. In order for me to keep my momentum in studying, I have to train my mind to focus on my goal and read some encouraging words. Reflect on the purpose why are you really studying? What keeps you going? I tell myself that I can do it. I can pass the exam, graduate on this course and soon enough, pass the NMAT, be a medical student and become a doctor. As a person who is struggling on my mental health, I always go back on my purpose so i can have strength to continue on my journey as a student. 

2. Clean and organize your desk or your study place. 

I have read somewhere that having a study place is an option for you to study effectively. In my case, I can study well on my desk in my room and on the dining table (Hahaha!) if and only if, it is organize. I can think and focus more if my desk is clean. I am also fond of using sticky notes to note the words I am not familiar with and to add a mark to what chapters I have to read. 

3. Create a study plan.

  

This will be your guide as you study. Mahirap mag-aral nang wala kang sinusundan. You can decided whether you can read one chapter a day or 3-5 lessons on a certain chapter a  day depends upon the topic of what you  studying. (I got this from my former schoolmate who's now studying med. She saw my IG stories and told me that in med school, you have to read a lot of handouts and textbooks.) So I think, it's good that I can already train myself to read in an effective way. In my case, since we are still under quarantine and I stay at home, I read one chapter a day, 4-5 times a week and 2 or 3 days of my week will be allotted in answering the review questions at the end of every chapter. It helps you recall and review what you have learned. If there's a lesson or text you can't understand, you can just google it, look for pictures or journals about it. 

  

 4. Use Highlighters effectively.

                                                       

Anyone who's also fond of using highlighters like me? If you're using one, use it effectively like you can use certain color for definitions, examples, etc. so you can easily find the important paragraphs you are looking for when you review that certain text again. Don't be afraid of seeing your books full of highlights. It's just a proof that you are really using your book! Hahaha! Don't be afraid to write important words or notes on it (make sure to use pencil instead of ballpens in writing!)

5. Practice what you have learned. 

In case you are studying numbers-related like solving equations, you have to practice on how to solve it. Like what's the old saying say, practice makes perfect. You have to try solving exercises and when you don't understand and not sure of how to solve it, look for the examples that were usually given and analyze it. With regards to the concepts or principles that you have to know, you can practice them by answering the review questions. 

6. Share what you have learned.

Share what you learn to others or in any other platform like social media. This helps you to understand more the lesson since you should explain the concept to someone. Of course, explaining requires better understanding to a certain topic. In this way, you are not just capable of remembering the topic but also capable of sharing information to someone.

   7. Take a break at some point.                                                            Some say Pomodoro Technique is effective wherein you allot 25 minutes of studying then take a break for 3-5 mins. interval after it. This technique doesn't work well for me because I easily lose focus on what I am reading if I stop after 25 minutes so I usually take a break when I feel like my mind is already heavy with the information I had from studying. When this happens, I feel like my brain can't take any more information from the textbook. I usually rest for about 10-30 minutes by laying in bed and close my eyes or sometimes refreshing my mind by playing random games on my mobile phone.

8. Acknowledge your accomplishment. 

After you finish studying all the lesson based on your study plan, you can do things that will acknowledge your accomplishment. For me, I share it on my social media accounts because it gives me the sense of success! Hahaha! I feel happy knowing I accomplished something so I shared it with the people I know through my Instagram. Some also do this acknowledgement by rewarding yourself like, after finishing a chapter, you can watch an episode of your favorite series or drama or maybe, you can finally use your social media accounts and eat a certain food you want to eat. 

            

            Studying effectively is one of the most important things that students should learn. Your studying habit equation should not just study hard = passing and learning but study hard + study smart = passing and learning. Studying smart makes our lives easier than studying hard alone. Learning is fun too so don't stop learning! Read your text books and achieve your goals!  

You: Entry 006

Time check: 1:35 AM

I guess there is always something about 1:35 AM. When it hit the clock, I always find myself writing about you. I clearly remember that night - the first time I wrote about you. Nagbago man ang mga pwesto ng appliances sa loob ng kwarto at nagbago man ang hitsura ng kwarto ko mismo, tandang tanda ko pa rin kung paano ako niyakap ng dilim ng gabi at malakas na buhos ng ulan. Hinanap ko ang mga piling salita para lang maipaliwanag ko ang nararamdaman ko.

At heto nanaman ako, nagsusulat, nag-iisip ng mga salitang sasakto sa nararamdaman ko. Matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nakakapagsulat dito., maging patungkol sa'yo.

"Happy Birthday."  

Iyan lang ang sinabi ko sa'yo kanina. May 21. Birthday mo nga pala. Halos nakalimutan ko  na rin dahil masyado akong busy mag-aral. Pati na rin marahil, dahil sa katotohanang matagal na tayong naghiwalay ng landas. Ikaw, patungo sa kanya at ako, papunta na rin sa iba.

Nasa iisang university lang tayo pero bibihira nalang kita makita. Madalas man akong nasa school dahil sa schedule ko na hanggang hapon at sa mga activities ng council ng college natin pero bibihira kitang makita. Makikita lang kita kung pinag-usapan nating magkita tayo dahil magpapatulong ka sa lesson na hindi mo maintindihan kahit senior kita, hihiram ka ng lab gown ko, uutang ka or uutang ako at isang beses ay maaga kang lumuwas mula Laguna at naghahanap ka ng kasabay mag-almusal. Madalas ay magpapalibre ka.

Pati na rin pala kapag sasamahan mo ako sa SM Manila sa tuwing may bibilhin ako pagkatapos ng klase. Kapag masyado ng gabi at tatawagan ako ni Mama, kung ikaw ang kasama ko ay kampante sina Mama. Nung minsang inatake ako ng anxiety at depression ko, sinamahan mo ko. Ikaw din yung kasama ko noong unang pagbili ko ng antidepressants ko.

Noong gabing kinulong ko sarili ko sa cubicle at pagbaba ko ikaw yung nandoon sa corridor. Nakasuot ka ng jacket ng College of Law at tinanong mo ako kung anong nangyari. Umiyak ako sa tabi mo. Nakinig ka lang at konting tapik sa balikat at udyok na tumahan ako. Sobrang dalang na magkita tayo pero lahat ng 'yon tumatak sa puso't isip ko.

Malapit na ako maniwala sa sinasabi ng nanay ng bestfriend ko - na baka kahit sino pa man ang makatuluyan natin, mayroon at mayroon tayong taong pinahahalagahan natin nang sobra at hinding-hindi natin makakalimutan at sa bokabularyo niya ay greatest love.

Sa totoo lang, halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko. Meron na akong siya at meron ka na ring sa'yo. In fact, masayang-masaya ako para sa inyo. At peace na rin ako dahil merong siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko ngayon - there's a lump forming in my throat and my eyes hurt so bad.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Hindi ko alam.

Hindi.