Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 1

It's been a while since I write in this blog. I am giving myself a favor and try to lift myself up from all the downs I have. How life has been lately? Well. 

1. I sought help for my mental health and I was clinically diagnosed with Depression. 

2. I was prescribed to take an antidepressants for a month, to be followed by observation. 

Antidepressants really helped me a lot with my moods most of the time. But there are moments that I have breakdowns but it was only about 3 or 4 times on that month. December 04 when I stopped taking antidepressants and my anxiety hit me. I had multiple breakdowns and I was thinking if did I depend on my antidepressants too much that when I stopped taking it, I have consecutive breakdowns. 

1. Feeling sad without any reasons why.

2. Cried without any reasons why. 

3. Insecurities taking a toll on me. 

4. Emptiness and tiredness 

5. Thoughts of Self harm 

These things hit me. From December 04 up until now. Felt that 3 days straight already. I am planning to see my doctor tomorrow. Finals week but I have not been reviewing since I feel really tired and unmotivated with everything. 

I am trying to get things fall unto their places. I am thankful I am still in the right mind to assess everything that is happening. My assessment about my steps on how I fight this is: 

1. Opening up to people whom I think can be a good support system. 

2. The moment I think of harming myself, I sent a text message to my bestfriend. 

3. Distracted myself by doing chores. 

4. Emotional Disclosure by Journaling (finally write this entry) 

I hope to have a talk with my doctor tomorrow. 

Keep fighting, self! 

Confession 001

If someone asked how I am right now, I would say I am still wandering. I am still wandering for a thing I didn't even know. Love, perhaps? Accompany, perhaps? I don't know. If someone asked me how I am for the past years, I would say I was wandering; meeting strangers, giving them a part of me. I've met a lot of them. Created a story with them; forcing myself to believe on this love story I created in the cyber world. They loved me. I loved them. Just like that. Just strangers with a memory of being passionate with each other to just check out if I can feel something, if perhaps, I am still alive; Just strangers whom I have given passionate kisses, let them feel my lips pressing on their neck down to their chests; let them feel my skin against them, let them touch my breasts and kissed them the way they wanted to; let them see my bare skin and my naked body. All of them became the strangers whom I made love to and it all happened in this cyber world I created to. In this cyber world where I feel loved and happy. This is how my life has been. I have this own world beside from the physical world I live in. I have this world inside my head, I have this deepest darkest secrets of coping hidden under my skin. I just can't quit being in this cycle because this is how I have been surviving. This became my resting place with all the setbacks I have. How can I stop this cycle? It is self-destructing and tiring at the same time. How can I end something that somehow keeps me going? I know that looking for someone who'll love me with all his heart and take me seriously wouldn't be a good solution but what if it'll help like how it did to me before? What if?

YOU: ENTRY 005

Napagod na marahil ang mga salitang hiram para ipaliwanag ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Wala na akong maisip na mga salitang Ingles na siyang tutugma sa ating dalawa kaya't hayaan mo akong magsalaysay sa wikang kinamulatan nating dalawa.

Una sa lahat, Maligayang Kaarawan! Wala akong ideya kung paano mo pinalilipas ang araw mo ngayon pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, ikaw pa rin ang nais na uwian ng puso kong palaging napag-iiwanan. Kahit ano pang pilit kong pambabblock sa iyo sa Twitter, Facebook at maging sa mismong mobile phone, pilit pa rin akong gumagawa ng paraan para makibalita kung kumusta ka na o ano ng balita sa iyo.

Paulit-ulit kong pinanunuod ang trailer ng pelikulang "Finding You" na nilapatan pa ng musika mula sa Munimuni na may pamagat na  Sa Hindi Pag-alala. Hindi ko alam pero marahil ay nakikita ko ang sarili ko bilang bida sa naturang pelikula.

"All his life, he's been searching for his the one and I was there, all throughout his search.... He remembers all the things that took place in his life. Except for one thing, I was always here by his side." 

Gusto kong sumulat ng patungkol sa ating dalawa pero bumabalik lang ako dito, sa panonood ng trailer na to'. Hanggang dito nalang muna siguro, hanggang dito nalang. 

YOU: ENTRY 004

"Merry Christmas Bakla." 

At exactly 12:01 AM today, that's a message I received from you. You are the first person who greeted me. That was it. A plain greeting without any sweet message or cheesy lines because that is you; your personality; the straightforward you. 

Time check: 11:13 PM,

Date check: December 25, 2018

It's been 2 months since I wrote something about you and if you're going to look back on my previous post, it was about how grateful I am for having you as my bestfriend and you still are but the thing is, 2 days ago,  I started to romanticize everything about us. again. 

Okay na ako. That is what I'm telling myself because I know I was already okay about you being my bestfriend and not more than anything else. But 2 days ago, you came to visit me. A day before that, I was standing inside the train and was telling you through phone call that I am in Manila and if you have time, I'll pay my debt to you; your favorite Milk Tea and I can stop by at SM Manila. However, you don't have your classes that time so you stayed at home all day long that time.

You promised to visit me the next day because you keep on tooting your own horn that I missed you so much so you have to spend some time with me. I was glad hearing that you'll be the one who's visiting me without any special occasion at all or without any favor to ask. Then the next day, there you are, walking towards me in my house wearing comfortable clothes; you came all the way from Southern Metro Manila wearing  just a shirt, a short and slippers and came to my place. 

Date Checked: May 12, 2019

Yes, I was shocked too that  this thing I wrote for you has been sitting in my drafts for a long time. I tried to continue this writings but I couldn't and I wouldn't, because I can't force the feelings to show up again; that unfathomable thing in my heart  when I wrote this for you. Just like how I can't force that there's a tiny bit hope for the story of us to be aligned in the genre that I usually read in novels.