Weightlifting Fair Kim Bok Joo: Episode 11

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo is my most favorite Kdrama of all time and no, this isn't an episode preview of Episode 11 of the said drama. Just like I promise, I'll write everything na nararamdaman ko, maybe this is what hopeful means or I don't know. Sa Episode 11 ng Kdrama na to', Kim Bok Joo took a break from weightlifting for a week because she feels depressed. The first thing she does after finding a part time job is to write the things she want to do. In short, a bucket list while she's taking a break for a week from weightlifting. 

And maybe, just like Bok Joo, I just need to take a break too and make a list of things I want to do. This list will not be the same as Bok Joo though. 

Para sa taong darating, pagalawin mo ang baso, Charot. Hahahahaha! 

To whoever na darating, this one is for you. 

I will never lower my standards again. I will set standards and hold unto that and will clearly go through process not because it is conventional but because I know my worth and I know what I deserve. 

And before I will allow you in my life, you should be able to do these things first: 

20 Things Before I Say Yes 

1. Know me better for atleast half a year or better, a year. 

2. Have a talk within the walls. 

3. Night walks within the walls. 

4. Luneta Park 

5. Manila Cathedral

6. Baywalk 

7. Attend a gig or concert with me. 

8. Liwasang Bonifacio with me.

9. Study with me. 

10. Get to know my family.

11. Go outside the metro with me (except Antipolo! ex. a trip to Laguna, Tanay, Pampanga, Tagaytay) 

12. Watch a movie with me. 

13. Give me a bouquet of flowers and a handwritten letter. 

14. Ferris Wheel Ride 

15. Jabee with me. 

16. Get a chance to know your family. 

17. Receive a random gift from you.

18. Have a talk about your dreams and  future plans with me. 

19. Coffee Shop Date 

20. Listen to an OPM song together. 

Do these things and I'm yours :> Cheret. 

Susubukang Muli

Susubukan kong muli na magsulat ng nararamdaman kahit sa maliliit na bagay; simpleng saya, kilig, lungkot, kaba. Lahat ay susubukan muling isulat. Lahat ng kung ano mang bubuo sa pagkatao ko, lahat ng nawawalang piraso ng sarili ko at lahat ng mga alaala kasama ang bawat taong nakilala ko; panandalian man o pangmatagalan, lahat ay susubukang itala. 

Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 004

It's been days since I feel on edge. I'm back at it again. Listening to the song that gives me comfort. Songs that express what I feel and think. When I was in high school and I have symptoms of depression, it was Simple Plan's Welcome to My Life. Now, it's Linkin Park's One More Light. I miss Chester. Just like me, he had depression. 2 years ago, he committed suicide. Years before he did it, he wrote songs about how he feels; of how he has been suffering and his words gives light to many. He saved a lot of people because of the songs he wrote. I don't know why I am into this kind of song again. The last time I find comfort on this was during Junior High School.

Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do
- One More Light, Linkin Park 


I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

- Heavy, Linkin Park 

I've been playing One More Light again and again since yesterday. The song makes me wonder, "Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?" I am just one star out of the million. If I'll be gone, I don't think I cost too much to the remaining stars but Chester said in his song that he does. He cares that's why he wrote the song. 

Before, what stops me from ending myself was because as a christian, I owe my life to God and I don't have the rights to take it back to him whenever I want to. There was this time when I was in a Chinese Garden somewhere in Manila, I rant into a pastor and he asked me stuff about accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and my savior. There's one thing that he said that I still remember. Those who believe in the Lord, even if they committed suicide, they will still be in heaven. I just hope that I will not look at this thought that it's okay for me to end my life just because I'll go to heaven because I know that God has still a purpose to me. 

Yesterday night, I had an anxiety attack again. All the struggles and painful memories from the past kept on coming to my mind and I had to cover my ears trying to shut down the voice of painful memories. I can hardly breathe and my chest is in pain. I feel like my heart is about to burst and cried so hard. I feel asleep at 6:30 AM. It was hard and up until now I am still on edge. I am still unstable. My eating habit changed today. I drank milk tea, eat chocolates, take out food, etc and I don't know if I will be able to sleep later. I don't know if I'll be having an anxiety attack again. It's been weeks also since the idea of self-harm hit on me and up until now, it does. I don't know if later at night, I'll give myself scrapes and scratches again. I hope, I don't. 

Random Thoughts: Entry 009

Tatlong taon. 

Tatlong taon akong hindi nakapagsulat para sa blog entry na ito. Makakagawa ba ako uli ng tula? Hindi ko alam. Junior High School pa ako noon. 2nd year college na ako ngayon. Matagal-tagal na rin nang huli akong makagawa ng tula. Yung tipo ng tula na sinulat alinsunod sa nararamdaman. Madalas kasi ay nagsusulat bilang takdang aralin. 

Kung tutuusin, nakakalungkot man pero, ang totoo'y halos inabando ko na ang lahat ng mga bagay na naglalarawan sa akin noon. Kung ako ang tatanungin, kapag sinabing Jana noon, dalawang salita lang iyan. Nagsusulat at nagpipinta. Malayong-malayo kung sino si Jana ngayon: Isang mag-aaral ng siyensiya na nagnanais maging doktor, isang anak na nais makatulong sa pamilya at isang taong marami at malalim ang iniisip dahil kasalukuyang nasa proseso ng paggaling. Ngayong araw ay sinusubukan ko na gawin uli ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko noon, magsulat at magpinta.

Ilang tulog nalang ay bente na ako. Hindi na ako teenager. Ganito ba talaga ang adulting?  Siguro, ito na talaga yung reyalidad ng buhay. Ako yung tipo ng tao noon na halos manghang-mangha sa hiwaga ng salitang pag-ibig, sa mga linyahan ng artista sa pelikula at kanta, sa mga linya ng mga tauhan sa nobela; halos mabaliw sa paghabi ng magagandang mga salita. Ngayon ay ibang-iba na. Namamangha pa rin sa mga hinabing salita pero kaunting oras nalang ang nabibigay para dito. 

Maraming taon na rin ang lumipas. Nasubukan ko na ring umibig at ibigin pabalik. Yung totoong nakarelasyon. Kung sa salitang kanto pa ay 'jumowa'. Kagaya ba siya ng mga nakikita ko sa pelikula? Siguro. Masaya sa umpisa pero gaya ng kahit ano pa mang uri ng relasyon, susubukin at susubukin kayo. Anim na buwan lang ang itinagal ng una kong relasyon. Malayong-malayo sa imahinasyon o sa hiraya na nais ko. Pinangako ko iyon sa sarili ko na kung sino man ang unang lalaking mamahalin ko ay siya na sa huli sapagkat ayaw kong pagurin ang sarili kong magpatalon-talon sa relasyon. Kikilala, papakisamahan at kapag naghiwalay ay kikilala nanaman at susubukang muli. Iniisip ko palang ay nakakapagod na. Ang pangit mang pakinggan pero parang masayang humarot-harot lang ika nga kaysa pumasok sa isang relasyon. 

Simple lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit mahirap pumasok ang kagaya ko sa relasyon at ito ay ang estado ng utak ko - may depresyon. Yung depresyon na hindi nararamdaman mo lang pero depresyon na kinakailangan ng gamutan. Mahirap pero kinakaya. Mahirap pero magpapatuloy. Sabi nila, mahirap kapag hindi ka naiintindihan ng mundo pero parang mas mahirap pala yung hindi ka na naiintindihan ng mundo, hindi mo pa naiintindihan ang sarili mo sa sariling mundong ginawa mo at kailangan mong manatili sa katinuan. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko gagawin yung mapanatili yung sarili ko sa katinuan. Mahirap pigilan ang utak. 

Kahit papaano pala ay nakatutulong ang pagsulat ng entry na to'. Nakakapag-isip ako. Naiisip ko kung kumusta ba talaga ako? Ano ba ang lagay ko? Napapanatili ko yung katinuan ko sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat dito at tulad ng sabi ni dok, ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat ay mapanatili ang katinuan ko sa kabila ng estado ng utak ko. Kailangan kong labanan to'. Sa totoo lang, naisipan kong magsulat dito hindi para kumustahin ang sarili ko. Magsusulat sana ako para sa taong hindi ko naman kilala nang lubos pero hinahangaan ko. Gusto ko rin sana alayan siya ng awitin bagamat sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, huwag daw ako mag-alay ng awitin para sa tao dahil masasaktan lang ako. Hindi nila alam, ilang ulit ko ng ginawa iyon. Palagi ko kasing pinapahalagahan ang mga taong nakikilala ko lalo na kung nagbigay sila sa akin ng mga aral na habangbuhay kong babaunin. 

Gusto ko sana siyang alayan ng isang entry sa blog na ito dahil ngayon nalang ako uli ako nakaramdam nang ganoong pakiramdam - iyon bang sa hindi mo malamang dahilan, noong makausap mo siya, may kung anong pwersa na hinihikayat kang magsulat ng tula at makinig ng isang awitin at sa kaso niya, ang awit ng Munimuni na Bawat Piyesa ang kumakausap sa akin. 

Ang bawat piyesa na bumubuo sa'yo
Bawat piyesang nawa'y mapasaakin
Habang-buhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Dito ka na lang habambuhay
Habang-buhay
- Bawat Piyesa, Munimuni

 

Noong nakarang taon pa ako huling nakaramdam ng ganoon sa tao. Nakatutuwa dahil magkapangalan pa sila ang pinagkaiba lang, noong nakaraang taon, ang pinaramdam lang sa akin ay sumulat ng tula. Hindi tulad ngayon na pinaramdam sa akin ay hindi lang pagsulat ng tula pero pati  na rin ang pakiramdam na para bang kinakausap ako ng isang awitin. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman niya kung mababasa niya ito. Masasabi niya ba na weirdo ako? Creepy? Hindi ko alam at hindi rin ako sigurado kung dapat ko bang ipabasa sa kanya to' pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa sarili ko ay ipapabasa ko ito sa kanya, hindi man ngayon pero panigurado ay ipapabasa ko ito sa kanya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kapag tumungtong na ako ng bente, hindi na ako gagawa ng nakakahiyang aksyon pagdating sa mga taong hinahangaan ko pero malay mo, may isang buwan pa bago ako magbente. Baka may pahabol pa ang labing-siyam na taong gulang si Jana. 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ito sinusulat pero isa lang ang sigurado ako. Ito yung nararamdaman ko. Walang halong filter. Raw and honest. 

Battling with Depression: Journal Entry 003

I don't know what I'm felling right now. 

I really don't know. It's vague. Am I sad? I don't know. 

It's more like, I don't want to do anything today. 

I don't feel like eating and It's not really me. I don't feel hunger. I didn't even eat rice today. 

I want to take my medications even if the doctors told me to stay off medications for a while. 

Based on my study plan, I have to study at 9:00 PM but my mind doesn't want to. 

My mind tells me to turn my lights off instead and lay in bed and maybe cry for I don't what reasons. 

Yesterday was like this too. I didn't eat that much. 

I am listening to Geiko's Sol at Luna. It's peaceful and calming. 

I feel a bit of hunger now but I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. 

I want to cry. I want to cry myself to sleep tonight. 

My mind tells me to quit YF, like as in now. Quit. 

My mind tells me to self-harm but I know I shouldn't. 

Things are getting difficult again. 

I am talking to strangers, again. 

Yep, that negative coping that my counselor was trying to correct. 

My mind feels like it is floating in thin air. 

The song changed. No, actually I searched for it. Pusakalye's Kulimlim.