It's been days since I feel on edge. I'm back at it again. Listening to the song that gives me comfort. Songs that express what I feel and think. When I was in high school and I have symptoms of depression, it was Simple Plan's Welcome to My Life. Now, it's Linkin Park's One More Light. I miss Chester. Just like me, he had depression. 2 years ago, he committed suicide. Years before he did it, he wrote songs about how he feels; of how he has been suffering and his words gives light to many. He saved a lot of people because of the songs he wrote. I don't know why I am into this kind of song again. The last time I find comfort on this was during Junior High School.
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do
- One More Light, Linkin Park
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
- Heavy, Linkin Park
I've been playing One More Light again and again since yesterday. The song makes me wonder, "Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?" I am just one star out of the million. If I'll be gone, I don't think I cost too much to the remaining stars but Chester said in his song that he does. He cares that's why he wrote the song.
Before, what stops me from ending myself was because as a christian, I owe my life to God and I don't have the rights to take it back to him whenever I want to. There was this time when I was in a Chinese Garden somewhere in Manila, I rant into a pastor and he asked me stuff about accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and my savior. There's one thing that he said that I still remember. Those who believe in the Lord, even if they committed suicide, they will still be in heaven. I just hope that I will not look at this thought that it's okay for me to end my life just because I'll go to heaven because I know that God has still a purpose to me.
Yesterday night, I had an anxiety attack again. All the struggles and painful memories from the past kept on coming to my mind and I had to cover my ears trying to shut down the voice of painful memories. I can hardly breathe and my chest is in pain. I feel like my heart is about to burst and cried so hard. I feel asleep at 6:30 AM. It was hard and up until now I am still on edge. I am still unstable. My eating habit changed today. I drank milk tea, eat chocolates, take out food, etc and I don't know if I will be able to sleep later. I don't know if I'll be having an anxiety attack again. It's been weeks also since the idea of self-harm hit on me and up until now, it does. I don't know if later at night, I'll give myself scrapes and scratches again. I hope, I don't.
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