You: Entry 003

Time check: 9:33 PM

        I was supposed to review for College Entrance Examination but here I am, after a four month-long of not writing about you, I'm writing again for you. Take note. I'm writing this with a happy heart and a smile I can't get off.

To someone who made me feel comfortable for who I am, 

You are one of the best things that has happened to me.

        I know for a fact that you will feel uncomfortable and a bit awkward after reading this but I also know that you are well aware that I am your clingiest and the most showy friend you have. My fingers are itching to hit the keys and write about you and talk about how grateful I am to you and tell everybody about this extraordinary friendship I have with you.

        November. The last night before the semester break ends, we unexpectedly found each other in a real mess; drowning with life's hardships and life's turmoil. The fact that we became friends when we just met each other online could not sink in still in my mind. I remember exactly, in spite of not feeling well that time, we were on our way to this certain mall around Manila, with your eyes staring straight on the road and you've told me, "Totoo pala yung ganito? Yung may nagiging kaibigan ka online?" I was actually thinking the same thing. I've never thought that talking to a stranger could change a lot in me. Forgive me if I say that the moment I met you, I never see you helping me in my relationship with God. You curse and drink a lot and more.

     But as time passes by, we get to know each other but I must say that I still know little about you. I still have a lot of things I don't know about you while I feel like a transparent thing in front of you. You're the only person who happens to slapped me right in my face about how crooked some of my perspectives are. You're the person who taught how to feel comfortable with my own skin, with my own characteristic, with my own personalities. In short, you taught me to be proud of who I am and not care about what other people will tell me because I know who I am and I should not change myself for anyone else as long as I'm not hurting anybody.  I just feel so comfortable around you. I can be goofy whenever I want to and you don't care. You will always complain about my jokes or what I wear or whatever thing I will tell you.

    You are the most annoying person I know because of your mood swings! You're still a complex thing for me. But no matter how hard I try to think that I should read you like how I observe others, I ended up eaten by the grateful heart I have for you. I always talk to God about you and tell him how happy and blessed I am for having you. Thank you, bakla!

    I treasure you because you are one of the most precious gifts I received from God! I'm grateful for those little reminders you gave me everytime I doubt God's great works. I can't help myself from crying everytime I think about you because you are one of the best things that has happened to me.

You: Entry 002

Time check: 11:35 PM 

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop 

Oh baby tell------

Wait. The rain has stopped but I decided to continue the music playing on YouTube. Take note, on repeat. The song is playing on loop. Why? I don't know. I know nothing aside from the fact that you are the one that keeps wandering on my mind while this song's playing tonight.

Song check: Officially Missing You by Tamia


It's been a couple of months since I posted my first entry about you. And here I am again, having that courage to write about you. It's been a while and so much has happened. I'm not gonna go on the details of what happened between you and me, specifically the things that we did together but I promise, I'm going to be raw and honest tonight. Well, atleast I'm going to be honest with you with what I really feel but the things is,  I can only be honest with you here.

We met each other in an unknown place, in our own downfall and  in our messed up reality. As time goes by, I just realize I already built a home in you unconsciously but the things is, you only built a house in me. That's when I realized how my elementary teacher taught me the difference of house and home.

'House refers only to a building in which someone lives while a home is any location or building with a love existing inside.'

I'm certain that you gave me a glimpse of your ways on how you love; you gave me a glimpse of something I long and now I found myself longing for the ways you make me feel loved. The way you used to call me everyday whenever you are in the locker room changing clothes right after your training, in the convenient store having snacks with your team mates, crossing the road or standing inside the bus on your way home, in your vacant time during school days, right after you play basketball with your friends, while you're driving, laying on your bed getting ready to sleep, going to hospital for check ups, or even when you used to drunk call me and tell me to do things that can possibly make you forget about her.

You used to do those things but in an instance, we became friends and you stopped. You stopped because you offered a genuine friendship and perhaps that was the time I started to build a home in you. You've got to know me better and likewise I towards you. I still remember that windy night you called me. That was the very first time I hear you cry. You called me, sobbing, telling me how much your friends hurt you; how much you've been trying to bear the hardships you have with the people around you. That's the time I realized I wanted to take care of you. Hug you. I told myself that is the first thing I'm going to do when I see you. A shoulder. That's the thing I wanted to give you when I see you. But I didn't, didn't I? I was too afraid to do that because I don't want to be at the point wherein I'll wake up not knowing where was I in you.


And these past few days, I found myself longing for your morning calls; on how you call me at 5 AM in the morning for me not to be late in school or how you'll remind me to call you and wake you up at 10:00 PM so you'll be able to get off the bus at the right time and maybe even how I used to listen to your poem written for her or to the song you dedicate for her. But those were the things you used to do before but now you're not because you have new girls whom you ask if they have eaten already, if they are already home and so on plus the fact that I've become your friend. And friends are like stars, you may lost connection with them or you may not able to see them everyday, you know they're still there. Maybe I was your star indeed, whenever everything gets dark around you, that's the only time you'll be able to see me but for me, "you are the light in which my spirit's born, you are my sun, my moon and all of my stars." You keep me from day to night. And for that let me use the words of William Thacker from Notting Hill, You are someone who can't be mine and it's as if I've taken love heroin and now I can't ever have it again. Indeed, I can't ever have you again because you've never been mine in the first place.  

Like what I've said, it's funny how we talked about how ironic life is. I've learned something about that from all the experiences we somehow shared. Do you wanna' know what's the new ironic thing I learned from the story of us?  Sometimes the one that reminds you to protect your heart is the one that breaks your heart unknowingly. 

I don't know how long you're going to break it unknowingly but I promise to stay. Whenever you want someone to talk to, whenever you need me, I'll always be here for you. No matter how much and how many times you're going to hurt me, I will not hate you because there's only one thing I hate - "I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." And whatever might be the term you'll call the thing that we have shared, I don't care. It was a beautiful mistake and I don't regret anything. In fact, I would do it again in a heartbeat. 

Bucket List for my 18th Birthday♥

1. Go to Manila Ocean Park

2. Go to Tagaytay

3. Watch sunset and get a Ferris Wheel Ride at SM MOA 

4. Watch a movie in cinema

5. Collect 18 Novels 

6. Eat Blueberry Cheesecake 

7. Create a Novel 

8. Be fit

9. Visit National Museum

10. Be in two places at once (Wow, lakas maka- A Walk to Remember! Hahaha!) 

11. Get my parents a gift for my 18th Birthday

12. Go Stargazing

13.Visit Sunflower Maze 

14. Be a volunteer

15. Watch fireworks

16. Bake or cook something you've never tried before

17. Visit a Zoo 

18. Go to Treasure Mountain 

You: Entry 001

Time check: 1:30 AM 

It's been a long day for me in school. After class, I immediately went home, ate and read Jennifer Smith's Geography of You and Me. Hindi ko napansin nakatulog na pala ako. I was grateful for having a kinda' good rest after a week na pagpupuyat because of our research paper. And I'm super glad na tumutulong na yung mga kagrupo ko and------ 

Wait, this blog wasn't supposed to tell something about my day but rather what keeps me up in the middle of the rainy night. 

Time check: 1:35 AM

And yes, this blog is supposed to be about you, and finally, here I am, talking about you or better say having the courage to talk about you  'cause I just can't contain the happiness you brought me. I feel like Lucy, the main character of the novel that I've read. No, don't get me wrong, not like I was stuck in an elevator with you like what happened to Lucy and Owen. But right now, I am stuck. Not in an elevator. But with the words you have told me tonight. It wasn't 'I love you' or any cheesy words I've read in every novel. 

"You are valuable to me. Not in the romantic way but I don't wanna' lose you." 

Your voice still lingers in my ears, echoing those words and keep me up on this rainy night. I imagined you, standing inside a bus on your way home. I know we're friends and I have to remind myself not to hope or atleast think of you as my Owen or Oliver or any other man in the novels I've read. But just like Lucy, I can't help myself from thinking that maybe all the simple things we've shared together meant something for you. From the moment we talked about letting go of someone who is really special to you, about how you love this certain sport, how was your day went from time to time and even how we talked about every girls you try to flirt with. 

And perhaps, something between you and me is a novel-nostalgic thing. Like something pushes me to believe that somewhere, out there, I've read about a story of you and me. Not really a story that ends with a happy ending, like a fairy tale and every girls dream of but a story of you and me. Just simply you and me and not a story of being together - maybe like how Alaska Young pushes Miles Halter into a great perhaps, like how you change my world, like how you interfere on my perceptions in life because yeah, we always talk about how ironic life is - that it crushes us to become whole and be the person who really wanted to be. 

I suddenly remember what are the other words you've told me tonight - that somehow, she didn't fill in the void you have, not like she's not perfect enough and you totally understand that she can't give all her time for you but that's what you just felt, - that there is something missing. And right now, I started  to think: What if? What if I will be able to take care of you? I know I am not pretty or beautiful and you know that I'm a real mess but what if you look at me like how Park look at Eleanor? "Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” What if I will be able to make you feel something?

What' and 'if' two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?' 

-Letters to Juliet