July 24, 2020
I had a panic attack today. I don't know if it's panic attack or anxiety or what. But I had hot flashes, cold feet and my heart was beating so fast. I cried as I put both of my hands on the both side of my head. The thought of self-harm hit me again. I put on a blanket to cover my cold feet and as I see my legs covered tight with blanket, the thought of seeing me dead, like how cadaver is covered with blanket on the legs hit me. I was so scared. The thought of having like a panic attacks if I pursue medicine hit me. What if I'm already a doctor and I had panic attacks when I'm about to see the patient? How can I survive when people really do nothing to me but I was triggered? It's not their fault. The thought of not going to school hit me again while I'm trying to squeeze myself on the corner of the bed. I don't want to attend online class. I am so scared of my classmates. I don't know them. I am so scared. I feel like, I don't want to deal with people anymore. I don't like people. I don't like to talk or to be with them. The thought of having new classmates scares me, even if it's just online. I want to leave our GC. I want to leave CSYF too. I want to be alone because I am so scared that people might judge me. The thought of eating too much hit me too. I want to go to the kitchen and eat bread and all the stuff I would like to eat and I just want to eat and eat. I don't think I can sleep early today. My leg muscles feel like they're vibrating. I don't think I can sleep immediately. No, I don't think I can sleep at all.
There are days when I feel like life is hard and yesterday's one of them. I thought I was doing fine and I am completely healed but I was wrong. The trauma of the past still haunts me and since quarantine, I can't go out and talk to my doctor and asked her about what I feel. I feel like I need counselling again.
