Before Finals

Hi! I know, it's been a really long timeeeee since I have posted on this blog. Why do I always have the same intro though?  Anyway, I just realized today that the last post I published didn't even have a title. 

Finals week na next week and I don't even know why I am so lazy in reviewing. My attention span even sa 17-minute-lecture video is so short. Siguro, hindi muna ako gagamit ng phone this week. I don't know really. It's just, the rain, the confusion just adds up to the mood na gusto kong umiyak at maging malungkot. 

Naramdaman ko na to' noong nakaraang linggo. Good thing, I was able to assess kung ano bang nararamdaman or bakit ganoon yung nararamdaman ko. I think, the reason why I am sad today is that: 

1. For the same reason kung bakit ako malungkot last time and yung reason na yun is need ko talagang pagdaanan, I guess. Tapos na ako sa painful part ng pangyayari nung past na 'yun but maybe, hindi pa ako tapos sa process and I do acknowledge that. I really don't know when will I recover but writing this, thinking that maybe, when I was able to fully surrender all my insecurities, I'll heal from all of this sh*t. 

2. Again, even after telling myself that I'll just be alone for the rest of my life and even thinking that maybe, I was made for that, and not to have kids (which I still prefer), the moment I let my guard down and let someone come into my life, like kahit slowly, I tend to be smitten by my emotions. I told myself, "Okay, I'm gonna' entertain this guy but I will not conform, like, just go with the flow but at the end of the day, I'll stick to my decision, I'm not gonna jump into a relationship." Cruel, I know. But I don't know, maybe I just wanted to be as coldhearted as I can be because, in my mind, I know my life is set to be spent alone. Like for now, I never imagine myself growing old with someone. 

I don't even know. I wanted an emotional connection but I don't want a relationship. Does that kind of setup exist? Hahahahaha. I don't know. But if it's not, then I should not be spending my time entertaining someone. I know, it sounds cruel and selfish but I don't know, it's my preference. Alam ko namang di' yun pwede, Lord. Pero, ewan. I just like and want to feel loved but I don't want to be in a relationship. Would I be open to an open relationship? I don't know pero wag naman sana. Hahahahahaha! 

I think, that's really the thing that makes me sad. I wanted an emotional connection just because I started to entertain someone wherein dati naman, nung hindi ako nag-entertain ng someone, I don't feel the need for emotional connection, I don't want someone to talk to over the phone but now I do, just because I entertain someone and I am giving back the emotion he's been putting onto. And now that my great need for emotional connection spikes up, I just couldn't ask for more and the tendency is to find another person who can give me more emotional connection. That's f*cked up, isn't it? 

Spaces

What a time to forget all my sensibilities

Let the heart speak it's mind
Let it get the best of me
Even with the coldest shoulder I'll find a way to keep you warm
Find a bottom of a bottle while holding my tongue
But just for peace of mind
Love me even if it is to fill the spaces
Love me, even if I know it's just to feel alive for awhile then you're gone
Just to fill the spaces in his arms

- Spaces, Martti Franca  

It's been a while since the last time I wrote about these things. There's one thing I have realized today. Handa na akong sumulat ulit patungkol sa ganitong mga bagay. Handa na akong magpadala sa mga emosyong matagal-tagal ko na rin pinagbawalan na patuluyin sa isip ko. Handa na ako magmahal ulit. I don't know why, that even if I am still shattered in pieces because of my past and I am still struggling in my present, Hindi ko magawang pigilan yung sarili kong magmahal. I feel like I always have this so much love inside me that I always want to share to someone. 

I have a lot of space - a space for someone who wanted to treat me as his home. Handa na akong magpatuloy. Lagi't palagi. Corny pero totoo talaga siguro, love will indeed make you feel alive. Kahit malabo kung ano mang estado nating dalawa, pipiliin ko ang magmahal. Pipiliin kong mahalin ka. Alak at sigarilyo marahil ang turing ko sa ganoong uri ng relasyon. Malabo. Hindi sigurado. Baka mapasama. Panandalian lang. Pero napapaisip ako kung bakit sa pelikula, maging sa mga kanta, laging may halong romantisismo ang pag-inom ng alak at paghithit ng sigarilyo? May kagandahan sa mga bisyong ito. Ewan ko. Baka sumisimbolo lang talaga ang mga ito sa mga emosyong bumubuo sa atin o di kaya'y emosyon na hindi natin maipaliwanag gamit ang mga salita. Pwede rin namang mga salita na hindi natin maamin. Kaya naman alak at sigarilyo nalang ang nagiging takbuhan. 

Baka ganoon din tayong dalawa. May dahilan ka kung bakit hindi ka pa handa o ayaw mo pa. May dahilan kung bakit hindi mo pinipiling sumugal at manatili ka nalang sa lugar kung saan walang sisihan pagdating sa dulo. Marahil dinidikta ito ng iyong nakaraan o di kaya'y kasalukuyan. Ganoon din naman ako. May dahilan kung bakit gusto kong sumugal, kung bakit gusto kong ibuhos ang lahat kahit na hindi pa malalim kung ano mang nagdurugtong sa ating dalawa, kung bakit gusto kong magmahal nang buo kahit walang kasiguraduhan na maibabalik. At higit sa lahat, pinipii ko pa rin ang magmahal kahit na alam kong naiiba ako sa lahat. Naiiba ako dahil may mga pagkakataong mawawala ako sa sarili ko at kapag dumating ang mga araw na iyon, alam kong mapapaisip ka kung bibitaw ka na, magpapahinga ka o mananatili ka pa. 

Kaya ito tayo, nasa gitna nagtagpo, sa lugar kung saan malaya tayong nagmamahal. Hindi alam kung saan tayo nagsimula at kung saan tayo magtatapos. Basta kapag may tumigil sa ating dalawa na kumausap isnag araw, doon na magtatapos ang lahat. 

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

*This has been sitting on my drafts but still decided to post it. This is a late post, basically.* 

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan itong paskil na to'. But here I am trying to just talk about it while sitting in front of my laptop listening to Taylor Swift songs. 

20 years old na ako ngayon. 5 years. It's been 5 years since that incident happened but it still consumes me. I wish I was brave enough to face the fact that I was weak back then. Sana nagsabi ako sa guidance counselor ng school. Sana pinili kong lumipat ng school or nagpatransfer ng section. I was so young back then and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to bear all the pain for the past years dahil lang sa isang encounter na 'yun. It is painful for me na hanggang ngayon, it still affects me to the core; that I am so afraid of being with people and socializing makes me tired. Socializing is becoming draining. 

Sana, nakausad din ako kagaya nila.

Sana. 

Maganda Ako

Sa unang pagkakataon, tinitigan ko ang mukha ko sa salamin. Pinagmasdan ko lahat hanggang sa aking dibdib. Hubad. Walang kahit anong kolorete. Bakas sa mata ang pagod. Hindi ko matukoy kung may nagtatago bang lungkot sa likod ng malamlam na mga mata. Ang sigurado lang ay ang pagkakulay tsokolate nito. 

Maputi pala ako. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto. Kilay na wari ko'y medyo makapal. Medyo sabog ngunit may korte naman. Noo. Ilong. Pisngi. Labi. Ngipin. Isa-isa kong pinagmasdan. Hanggang sa nakita ko ang mga tigyawat ko. Ang mga pekas at ilan pang mga katangiang hindi perpekto. 

Maganda pala ako sa malapitan pero sa malayo, hindi. Mas nakilala ko kung sino ako. Mas nakita ko kung anong bumubuo sa akin, sa panlabas na aspeto. Sa hugis, sa porma, sa histura. Maganda ako. 

Happy 20th Birthday, self!

Happy 20th Birthday, self! 

Sorry at medyo late ko na ito maipupublish pero, Happy Birthday! Masaya akong nagpapatuloy ka. Masaya akong nandito ka pa rin sa Earth and you get to experience good things in life kahit marami kang triggers at marami kang mental health issues. 

Please don't be marupok na and never ever settle for less. Stick to your values and principles palagi. Matalino ka naman at masipag pero bobo ka sa pag-ibig! HAHAHAHAHA! Alam kong hindi pa rin tayo okay pagdating sa mental health pero, lalaban tayo ha? Pipiliin nating lumaban palagi. 

Masaya ako seeing how you built friends. Grupo B. CSYF. Grabe, naiiyak ako thinking na naggogrow ka, lumalago ka socially. Bumabalik ka na sa dati, yung Jana na goofy, palaging masaya, nakangiti. Sana, tuloy tuloy na. Wala man tayo bebe or jowa or tamang harot lang meron ka kasi maharot ka talagang yawa ka HAHAHAHAHA! Pero, masayang-masaya ako pa'ra sayo. 

Sana, maging doktora kang tuluyan! Palagi mong piliin maging isang mabuting tao. Magpatawad pero wag kakalimutan ang mga lessons na babaunin mo. Ngayong young adult ka na, I hope, aralin mo, the art of not giving a fck ganern! and also, sa pag manage rin ng finances okay? Please. Hindi mo na nga namana ang milionaire mindset ng pamilya, kaya bumawi ka atleast sa pagiging matipid. 

And also please, kilatisin mo muna ha. Wag ka padadala sa salita. Isa ka ring sige advice pero kapag ikaw ang nandoon na, di mo rin naman madiscern kung ano ang totoo. Kung sweet words lang ba or hindi ang sinasabi nila. Marupok! Cheret. Choose to be happy, always. Practice rin na maging grateful ka sa lahat ng bagay okay? Keep that faith and be grateful to the Lord, always! 

Weightlifting Fair Kim Bok Joo: Episode 11

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo is my most favorite Kdrama of all time and no, this isn't an episode preview of Episode 11 of the said drama. Just like I promise, I'll write everything na nararamdaman ko, maybe this is what hopeful means or I don't know. Sa Episode 11 ng Kdrama na to', Kim Bok Joo took a break from weightlifting for a week because she feels depressed. The first thing she does after finding a part time job is to write the things she want to do. In short, a bucket list while she's taking a break for a week from weightlifting. 

And maybe, just like Bok Joo, I just need to take a break too and make a list of things I want to do. This list will not be the same as Bok Joo though. 

Para sa taong darating, pagalawin mo ang baso, Charot. Hahahahaha! 

To whoever na darating, this one is for you. 

I will never lower my standards again. I will set standards and hold unto that and will clearly go through process not because it is conventional but because I know my worth and I know what I deserve. 

And before I will allow you in my life, you should be able to do these things first: 

20 Things Before I Say Yes 

1. Know me better for atleast half a year or better, a year. 

2. Have a talk within the walls. 

3. Night walks within the walls. 

4. Luneta Park 

5. Manila Cathedral

6. Baywalk 

7. Attend a gig or concert with me. 

8. Liwasang Bonifacio with me.

9. Study with me. 

10. Get to know my family.

11. Go outside the metro with me (except Antipolo! ex. a trip to Laguna, Tanay, Pampanga, Tagaytay) 

12. Watch a movie with me. 

13. Give me a bouquet of flowers and a handwritten letter. 

14. Ferris Wheel Ride 

15. Jabee with me. 

16. Get a chance to know your family. 

17. Receive a random gift from you.

18. Have a talk about your dreams and  future plans with me. 

19. Coffee Shop Date 

20. Listen to an OPM song together. 

Do these things and I'm yours :> Cheret. 

Susubukang Muli

Susubukan kong muli na magsulat ng nararamdaman kahit sa maliliit na bagay; simpleng saya, kilig, lungkot, kaba. Lahat ay susubukan muling isulat. Lahat ng kung ano mang bubuo sa pagkatao ko, lahat ng nawawalang piraso ng sarili ko at lahat ng mga alaala kasama ang bawat taong nakilala ko; panandalian man o pangmatagalan, lahat ay susubukang itala.